I was recently at the neighborhood park with the little one. It was such a beautiful day. The sun was shining and I was looking forward to the quiet time as I watched the munchkin play. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the caress of the cool breeze on my neck. I refused to think of the long list of things I had to do. I just wanted to enjoy the moment and listen to my baby girl laugh.
After a few minutes, a young couple sat on the bench closest to me while (what looked like) their set of twin girls ran to the slide with frantic urgency. The couple was quiet at first. He looked distracted and she looked tired.
"So, I think we can swing me going back to school", she said. "I researched the tuition and class times are flexible."
"I don't know, Karen. I don't think it's a good time. Maybe you should wait til the kids get older; plus you know my mother is sick", he said.
Feeling a bit uncomfortable, I started messing with my blackberry hoping they would save the conversation climax for later. She shot me a look. I pretended not to see.
"Well, we talked about this David. I have some money saved and I am confident we will be ok", she whispered.
"No, we need to talk about it later. Besides, you need to concentrate on helping me with my Mom & Dad's anniversary party", he said.
And just like that she quietly said, "Ok, you're right." You could tell she didn't have anymore fight left in her. Clearly this was not the 1st, 3rd or 5th conversation where he has shut her down.
I immediately felt for her. It's one thing to sacrifice for those beautiful girls...Hell, I could write a book on that one. The benefit of children clearly outweighs the pain, suffering and sacrifice of your time & freedom. But when you give up your goals, desires or wishes...that's quite a different story. Timing seemed to not really be the issue. Timing seemed to be his excuse...keeping her in a box while she continues to be a "pleaser". But is he really to blame? She says yes to everyone but herself, as she sits in the park exhausted from her unfulfilled life. Shame on her...and shame on me because I could easily be her if I hadn't changed my attitude not so long ago.
I was born a "pleaser". I wanted everyone to like me, love me and make everyone happy -my Daddy, boyfriends, girlfriends, boss - even if it meant sacrificing myself. I recently realized you can't please everyone so you really have to be clear on what your goals and needs are so you can adjust your relationships and actions accordingly. I have to make sure I am aligned with those that are on the same path..preferably closer to where I hope my journey will take me.
I don't want to wake up at the club at 40, looking for some rich dude that will never love me. And I damn sure ain't looking for a man who feels it's never the right time to live life.
I am enjoying all the love I am receiving and deserve. The man I love loves my imperfections too, celebrates me and would never say the timing is bad. I surround myself with women who understand the balance I struggle to maintain, the demanding juggle of my life - parenthood, career, family and romance - then they support me in growing to become a more healthy positive person. I push my boss for more opportunity and more training and he listens. I build a more equally loving and respectful relationship with my father instead of being scared of disappointing him.
So I guess you can say I am blessed. Fortunate that I have discovered that how you take the journey of life matters...not just the end result. I know now it's my time, my life, and no more sacrificing my true self.
As I watched my munchkin push the twin girls in the swing, the couple commented on how mature and confident my baby girl was. "Yes, thank you. I hope I had a little bit to do with that", I said.
-C
