Why Do you Love Me?

~The Boyfriend ~

He made me wait to have sex with him because he really wanted it to work this time. His previous women gave it up too quick, I guess. Made it hard for him to determine whether the attraction came from their personalities or from the love juice between their thighs. I was flattered to have met a man who craved the exploration of my mind and heart first - before my tits and ass. Mental and emotional intimacy (without the physical) scared the shit out of me though. But I grabbed tight to the rope and hung on...eventually easing up and letting him catch me. It was difficult to be vulnerable, but so rewarding. Subconsciously, my motto had been: Make it about sex so he can't get too close to you. He doesn't really know you, just knows how soft you are. But without the physical, there's no barrier...that's when you're truly naked in the rawest sense. Well, we found each other and discovered we are a sweet match. Despite his conservative ways and social awkwardness, he balances me. And even though I'm a feisty firecracker who loves a thrill, he enjoys the ride, and now has permission to be a bad boy, taking control and demanding what he wants and needs. This one is stable ~ has a flourishing business, home and promising future. For the first time in a long time, I can see myself as the good girl ~ taking a step back, letting him wife me, allowing him to take care of me.

I love you baby.

I love you too.

But does he really love me? Do I really love him? Or does he just love how I make him feel and I the same? Hell, is that the same thing as loving someone ~ loving how they make you feel about yourself?

You are just so nice
You make me feel young.
You support my ideas.
I've never felt this good with anyone.
You are the best I've ever had.

All I needed was a melody and Drake could have been singing to me. I felt his sincerity, truly I did. I know he believes he loves me, but I can't help but wonder if he feels that way because I'm better than his rest. I've helped him feel confident and sexy. But I have grown to believe that love is sacrifice. Love is selflessness. Would he turn off the talk radio for me? Move to the other side of town with the white folks? Tone down the sarcasm that hides his insecurity? Jump out of his comfort zone? The question is am I ready to find out.

~ The Trainer ~

I'm coming over tonight.

No.

I will be there at 11.

No.

See you tonight.

No.

Don't you love me?

I wanted to tell him yes...I love the way you fuck me. But instead I pleaded for him to stop pushing that love shit in my face. I mean really?? This is the man I had to stop training with because it was just too much...

Too much sex and not enough training.

What's interesting is, he's not the typical beefcake. He is quite intelligent, incredibly witty but dangerously cocky and bossy...which excites me like no other. At the same time, it infuriates me that I refuse to tell him to go to hell and not call anymore. I don't know if it's because his body is beautiful and just the thought of his sex makes me want to touch myself, OR if I love the urgency in the attention he gives ~ regardless if I submit or not.

Anyone who knows my name, knows that it's attention I seek, but still quick to drop a man off my boat without a blink.

I once asked why he keeps pushing me.

Because I love you.

You know what..maybe he does. In 9th grade, when we met, he was no different...following me around the locker room trying to get me to kiss him. At senior prom, he asked me to drop my man and go with him for a late night picnic. I never let him love me because my best friend did. How could he love me now? He doesn't even truly know me anymore, right? He could be crazy or running game . But how unnecessary. He never needed to say those 3 words to get me in bed...he had me at hello (ha ha). Whose to say that love has to be marriage, babies and commitment. Maybe he loves that I resist. A friend once said, " He loves that Spicy juice. He just can't get enough."

Is it just the sex we had?

Maybe.

Maybe he just loves the lustful dance, or still has high school fantasies. It makes him feel good to hear me fight it. Isn't it all about feeling good? Maybe people fall in love with the lust. Loving the lust. Hmm, I like that. So, for someone where commitment is a world away, the chase could be the romance....it could be the love.

But what happens if I get caught?

~ The Friend ~

He lives in my comfort zone. I can ask or tell him anything and know that his honesty is unwavering. His humor is my therapy and his stories are my hobby. I've known him for what seems like forever yet we talk like we just met. I guess you could say it's a politically incorrect friendship..breaking all the rules, but it works for us. I will never give him up....not for man or woman. He's beautiful, both inside and out. And no matter how much time passes, I still get excited when he enters the room.

How come we never got it together?

I don't know. You could say we were always traveling on different roads that never connected. Timing, is what he says. But is it really about that? Or is it that we are too close ~ know too much about each other to create the mystery of romantically dating. How could we enjoy the exploration stage? He knows all about my sex, lies and videotapes, the men in my life...how I react to them and to him.

All the crazies and stalkers he's gotten me through...the last minute airport pick ups, last minute party escorts and quick stops for liquid therapy sessions are all on his resume.

We can sit at a bar and talk for hours about politics, careers, babies and family. Listens to me when I have nothing to say. Exciting to see how we are both on the verge of blowing this town up, smacking it around with our success ~ doing what we came here to do. So much in common.

And then I've also known him to forget I'm just his friend and make love to me like he loves me...like he needs me. I can't even talk about that...it wouldn't be enough.

Is it too late for us?

Yes, I believe it is. For as long as I can remember.

But that's alright, because the truest love is friendship. We will always have each other's back and best interest at heart.

Sacrifice.

Selflessness.

At least I know why he loves me.

-C