Pit Stop

The sweat on my spine starts to dry as the fan air cools the bed. My arms as my chin rest, I'm just now noticing the cartoons on T.V...this ridiculously big plasma T.V. Jeez, this thing is huge. For all I know, there could be several little white bald men with glasses and white lab coats behind the screen diligently taking notes. Subject: Bad Girl.
I actually think about getting up for a quick peak but laugh at myself at the crazy thought. So instead I enjoy my intoxicated state, sigh in contentment of the stress relief, and run my fingers through my hair like a wide tooth comb. I'm happy my ends are still dry and curls are in place..despite the moistness at the roots. I chuckle again. This time reflecting on my co-worker after the meeting just an hour ago. "See you at the office". "Yup, in just a bit. Gotta make a pit stop", I mumble.

As I flip over on my back, greedy for that cool wind on my breasts, I focus on his footsteps upstairs in the bathroom. Visions of him naked, wiping me off his abs, penis and thighs slightly excites me, but no time for that now. I look on the floor beside the bed. Damn, I wish there was time for him to fix my Love necklace. I can't believe it got caught in his gold Jesus piece. Ironic? Hmmm. Of course mine is the one to break. Dammit. I love this necklace. It's not that it's expensive, I just love wearing it. It represents something about me. As I told a close friend once, "I love love". Wearing the love necklace makes me feel happy and hopeful in the discovery of it...simply the love of it.

I hear him in the kitchen now, ice machine going off like an alarm for me to get my ass up. I walk over to the bedroom door. Damn, how my panties get so wet? I mean, ok, nevermind :) My dress isn't transparent, so I'm gonna have to put these panties in my purse. Only 5 minutes past my estimated departure time...I'm doing pretty good.
Look at him...coming down the stairs wearing nothing but 2 glasses of ice water.
Shit, he is beautiful.
As I grab his arm for support and dig my foot into my sandal heal, I'm thankful the dress I chose today is wrinkle free and shows off my legs. He loves my legs. He kisses my shoulder as I inhale the water."How does my hair look? Do I look crazy?" "Crazy beautiful", he says. Uhh huh. Smooth like butter, I tell ya. But that's ok, I'll l take that....pretty much the reason for my visit.

I tell him he doesn't have to walk me out, as I practically Flo Jo my ass up the stairs. His house is very similar to my mom's...newly created master bedroom decked out in the furnished basement, while the top two floors occupy guest bedrooms, office, family, living room, etc. etc.
I pause to do an inventory of my belongings and feel satisfied as I open the iron gate.
DOOR OPEN!

I tense up as this automated security bitch pretty much tells the whole block I'm resurfacing from the love dungeon. I quickly stride to my car which is way down the street. Damn DC parking. I'm feeling pretty paranoid as the two women across the street stare at me with their " ain't you supposed to be at work" eyes. Whatever! Why am I trippin? I am a grown ass woman and I am second highest in sales this month...as usual, so I deserve a pit stop.

In the car now and he's calling me. "I've fixed your love necklace, come back." "Naw, babe, I'm too far away. Just hold on to it and I will get it next time". Long Pause. "OK, well just remember I got your love".
Final Chuckle. "Yeah baby, how could I forget".

Why Do you Love Me?

~The Boyfriend ~

He made me wait to have sex with him because he really wanted it to work this time. His previous women gave it up too quick, I guess. Made it hard for him to determine whether the attraction came from their personalities or from the love juice between their thighs. I was flattered to have met a man who craved the exploration of my mind and heart first - before my tits and ass. Mental and emotional intimacy (without the physical) scared the shit out of me though. But I grabbed tight to the rope and hung on...eventually easing up and letting him catch me. It was difficult to be vulnerable, but so rewarding. Subconsciously, my motto had been: Make it about sex so he can't get too close to you. He doesn't really know you, just knows how soft you are. But without the physical, there's no barrier...that's when you're truly naked in the rawest sense. Well, we found each other and discovered we are a sweet match. Despite his conservative ways and social awkwardness, he balances me. And even though I'm a feisty firecracker who loves a thrill, he enjoys the ride, and now has permission to be a bad boy, taking control and demanding what he wants and needs. This one is stable ~ has a flourishing business, home and promising future. For the first time in a long time, I can see myself as the good girl ~ taking a step back, letting him wife me, allowing him to take care of me.

I love you baby.

I love you too.

But does he really love me? Do I really love him? Or does he just love how I make him feel and I the same? Hell, is that the same thing as loving someone ~ loving how they make you feel about yourself?

You are just so nice
You make me feel young.
You support my ideas.
I've never felt this good with anyone.
You are the best I've ever had.

All I needed was a melody and Drake could have been singing to me. I felt his sincerity, truly I did. I know he believes he loves me, but I can't help but wonder if he feels that way because I'm better than his rest. I've helped him feel confident and sexy. But I have grown to believe that love is sacrifice. Love is selflessness. Would he turn off the talk radio for me? Move to the other side of town with the white folks? Tone down the sarcasm that hides his insecurity? Jump out of his comfort zone? The question is am I ready to find out.

~ The Trainer ~

I'm coming over tonight.

No.

I will be there at 11.

No.

See you tonight.

No.

Don't you love me?

I wanted to tell him yes...I love the way you fuck me. But instead I pleaded for him to stop pushing that love shit in my face. I mean really?? This is the man I had to stop training with because it was just too much...

Too much sex and not enough training.

What's interesting is, he's not the typical beefcake. He is quite intelligent, incredibly witty but dangerously cocky and bossy...which excites me like no other. At the same time, it infuriates me that I refuse to tell him to go to hell and not call anymore. I don't know if it's because his body is beautiful and just the thought of his sex makes me want to touch myself, OR if I love the urgency in the attention he gives ~ regardless if I submit or not.

Anyone who knows my name, knows that it's attention I seek, but still quick to drop a man off my boat without a blink.

I once asked why he keeps pushing me.

Because I love you.

You know what..maybe he does. In 9th grade, when we met, he was no different...following me around the locker room trying to get me to kiss him. At senior prom, he asked me to drop my man and go with him for a late night picnic. I never let him love me because my best friend did. How could he love me now? He doesn't even truly know me anymore, right? He could be crazy or running game . But how unnecessary. He never needed to say those 3 words to get me in bed...he had me at hello (ha ha). Whose to say that love has to be marriage, babies and commitment. Maybe he loves that I resist. A friend once said, " He loves that Spicy juice. He just can't get enough."

Is it just the sex we had?

Maybe.

Maybe he just loves the lustful dance, or still has high school fantasies. It makes him feel good to hear me fight it. Isn't it all about feeling good? Maybe people fall in love with the lust. Loving the lust. Hmm, I like that. So, for someone where commitment is a world away, the chase could be the romance....it could be the love.

But what happens if I get caught?

~ The Friend ~

He lives in my comfort zone. I can ask or tell him anything and know that his honesty is unwavering. His humor is my therapy and his stories are my hobby. I've known him for what seems like forever yet we talk like we just met. I guess you could say it's a politically incorrect friendship..breaking all the rules, but it works for us. I will never give him up....not for man or woman. He's beautiful, both inside and out. And no matter how much time passes, I still get excited when he enters the room.

How come we never got it together?

I don't know. You could say we were always traveling on different roads that never connected. Timing, is what he says. But is it really about that? Or is it that we are too close ~ know too much about each other to create the mystery of romantically dating. How could we enjoy the exploration stage? He knows all about my sex, lies and videotapes, the men in my life...how I react to them and to him.

All the crazies and stalkers he's gotten me through...the last minute airport pick ups, last minute party escorts and quick stops for liquid therapy sessions are all on his resume.

We can sit at a bar and talk for hours about politics, careers, babies and family. Listens to me when I have nothing to say. Exciting to see how we are both on the verge of blowing this town up, smacking it around with our success ~ doing what we came here to do. So much in common.

And then I've also known him to forget I'm just his friend and make love to me like he loves me...like he needs me. I can't even talk about that...it wouldn't be enough.

Is it too late for us?

Yes, I believe it is. For as long as I can remember.

But that's alright, because the truest love is friendship. We will always have each other's back and best interest at heart.

Sacrifice.

Selflessness.

At least I know why he loves me.

-C